Cutting the Fat: the Ab Scissor Ultra

Cutting is the theme for this week, and so we present to you the Ab Scissor Ultra:




Impressive in its Spartan décor, no? It seems like Body by Jake interrupted a Thornton Wilder play to put on this commercial. On top of that, it appears that Steve Maresca was told to tone his excitement down to a whisper, which begs wonder: did they shoot this video in a library? This brings us to the main thing the Ab Scissor Ultra cuts: costs. All the other cuts in production and everything else stem from Body by Jake’s frugality. For instance, the official video on Body by Jake’s website (in the upper right hand corner) is not even a complete video. The player cannot be expanded, so we must squint to see what’s going on (the You Tube version of the website video is choppy and grainy at times, especially around the abdominal area for many of the interviewees [fitting?]). They clearly did not hire a professional web designer to make the site. There are no frilly extras in the website video either: just the basic interviews and before-and-afters. Going back to the video above, it appears they did the whole thing in one take because Steve messes up his line 27 seconds in and corrects himself; we assume they could not afford to pay someone to do the editing.

What’s strange about the parsimonious attitude is the cost of the machine. (Here we must interrupt ourselves to congratulate Body by Jake for proudly displaying the cost of their machine on their website, without having someone pretend to order the machine just to see how much it costs.) If you want to pay for the machine in full, it will cost you $159 without tax and shipping. If you’d like to set up a payment plan, then be prepared to pay $99.50 twice, which is (let me bust out the calculator here…) $199! The video on the website boasts that it has sold more than 700,000 of these “scissors” already. Assuming their demographic is the cheap chubby chum who did the math, and assuming by “over 700,000” they mean 700,001, then—without tax and shipping—they have $111,300,159. So they made over a hundred million dollars already, and they couldn’t afford a second take for poor Mr. Maresca?

Something isn’t quite right here. The Ab Scissor looks like a simplified torture device from the middle ages, so it could not have cost that much to make. There’s almost nothing to this machine. It’s a chair with foot rests and overarching handle bars. The freebies offered are the bare minimum, required for any ab workout (even Sean T’s!): an eating guide, a video, instructions, and a log. The government couldn’t really be taking that much from their sales, and there doesn’t seem like they have a multitude of employees to pay. Unless “Kat” was demanding a huge salary for her (literal) minute of fame, we cannot fathom why they cut everything else.

Body by Jake cuts on cost and production for their Ab Scissor Ultra while swearing it will cut the fat from your midsection (hopefully not literally). We would much rather cut ourselves than purchase a simplistic machine presented to us so shoddily.

Results on the Run: Hip Hop Abs

Sean T. and his Hip Hop Abs workout ignore many of the rules set forth by his predecessors: no gimmicks, no fake scientists/reports, no thermal imaging tests, no computer-generated men—hell, there isn’t even a machine!

So you, O reader, might think: “What must we complain of now?”

There are a plethora of interviews and before-and-after shots, but these are compulsory for any workout infomercial. There is the denigration of the crunch, but how else could you sell something that does the same job? There is also the requisite amount of toned tummies (although it is clear the video’s demographic is women), but, alas, we have grown used to that too (already?). Really this video seems, prima facie, to be as close to air-tight as any workout video can get.

But wait a second… What exactly is this black Richard Simmons selling?

Nothing.

Well…not nothing: he’s teaching you how to dance. He’s also teaching you how to get the terrible (tasting) items at fast food joints so it feels like you’re not dieting. But that’s it. There is nothing tangible here that you bought besides magnetized discs that play in your digital video disc player. If you run out of resolve, you can hide these DVD’s better than the AbPony (although the AbPony does tuck away for easy storage).You’re not getting anything from the illustrious Sean T. that you could not get from a dance class at your local community college or gym and a look at the nutrition facts chart in Burger King.

Someone playing devil’s advocate might say: “What about the shy people who do not want to venture to a gym or community college for a dance class? What about the people who feel they are so obese that they would look ridiculous doing these moves? Shouldn’t they have the right to learn how to dance in the comfort and privacy of their own homes?”

Certainly, they should and do have that right. However, for the price they’re paying Sean T. for his “Tilt, Tuck, and Tighten,” technique they could ask a live teacher questions, meet other people in the same situation, and, because of their connection with people, they could find themselves bound to their resolve to work out. Plus, while we must credit Sean T. for not including fake reports and hired goons acting as scientists to push the veracity of his claims, there is no solid proof this regimen works. If you purchase these videos and discover they do not work for you, you may become dejected and give up working out altogether; in a class, however, if you find dancing is not enough to get your metabolism going, there is someone there who could point to something else that might help.

So you’re not getting anything when you purchase Hip Hop Abs that you cannot get anywhere else. The infomercial is noticeably empty: the video just repeats the same interviews and information. The 4:29 duration could easily be a minute or so. The seven workout videos you get are essentially the same, but there’s a slightly different spin on each so it seems like you’re getting more. Do not be fooled. It would be safer, more fun, and more rewarding to attend a dance class than getting Hip Hob Abs.

At worst, Hip Hop Abs could ruin your desire for a healthly lifestyle, or, at best, you could look as foolish as Ellen: