Battle of the Lazy Person’s Ab Machines: The Flex Belt versus The Contour

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I would like to have a lean and trim figure, but I do not want to work out”? Did you also think that such contradictory desires are impossible to fulfill at once?

Well, if you thought “yes” in answer to the latter question, you’re wrong.

We present to you two videos to show just how wrong you are. That’s right, there’s not just one miracle ab machine that allows you to get fit without all the sweating and motion usually involved, there are two. For your edification, the following videos:





Now we know what you’re thinking: “Is that even possible? Can you actually get toned abdominal muscles by putting on a belt and trusting ‘EMS’ Technology?” We cannot definitively answer that here; what we can do, however, is try to convince you that these machines are just as stupid as any others. Let us take a closer look at the contenders.

So we have in one corner, from Slendertone, the Flex Belt (aka “System Abs”): a name as contradictory as the fact that you can get a workout by watching television, for flexing denotes motion while a belt restricts. Slendertone hails from Ireland, and boasts on its website of how the Flex Belt is 100% medical science. They also have a testimonial from Jerry Rice, a famous person who can say anything because he is retired. Slendertone’s System Abs/Flex Belt is quite impressive—a worthy challenger to the Contour.

In the opposite corner is the Contour Core Sculpting System, which is more familiarly known as the Contour. Why they chose this name we cannot know. (Ignore the fact that this ab machine actually begins with the word “con.”) “Contour” simply means an outline of a figure—a perfectly neutral word, since any figure can have a contour. The Contour boasts of its Swiss heritage, and instead of having a once high-profile celebrity, its website promotes some sort of “Sculpting System” which includes e³ (eat, exercise, and eStim [electronic meth?]). This is equally as impressive as the Flex Belt in its mediocrity.

Let the games begin!

Round 1: Science

Science is of the utmost importance for both machines, for without it no one would believe that wearing a tacky belt would actually slim one down. Slendertone pushes science down your throat with its claim that the Flex Belt is “100% medical science.” This is powerful because that could mean the Contour, since it does not make the same claim, is below 100% medical science (maybe 98% medical science?—We’re not sure).

The Contour does not take that claim lying down (like a person doing crunches): they fight back with their claim that the Contour combines “modern digital technology and the science of physiology.” It’s fairly useless to say “modern digital technology” because digital technology has been around since at least the 70s, and it hasn’t changed much. The Contour then shows its thermographic images proving that one’s belly is hotter (literally) after wearing the Contour than if one did 50 crunches. We already have been through the complications of thermal imaging tests, so there is no need to flog that dead horse. Note the lack of information: how long was the person wearing the Contour so that he got more of a workout than 50 crunches? An hour? 10 seconds? 4 years?!

Slendertone’s Flex Belt also has thermographic images on their website, but it only shows the heat generated from just using the Flex Belt. This is far more believable, but less impressive.

But, like any dissertation-fueled argument, the Flex Belt goes even further with a jab to the belly of the Contour: clinical studies. With a background of a couple of reports whose bindings appear to have been color-coordinated, the narrator in the video claims that “All over the world, study after study proves that System Abs’s revolutionary EMS Technology really works.” Apparently, the whole world consists of the United States and Ireland because they only mention three cities: Galway and Dublin (Ireland), and LaCrosse (USA). “Study after study” clearly means three studies: one at the BMR Institute, one at Trinity College, and one at the University of Wisconsin (which is expanded to encompass the entire United States, for, as noted above, it’s “LaCrosse, USA”).

All the Contour has by way of response is a guy explaining that research showed that the Contour worked the abs more than a traditional crunch. You and whose nerd army says that, four eyes? You don’t have the weight of the University of Wisconsin and Trinity College in Dublin, do you? Do you?!

But wait… there’s more! Slendertone does not stop with clinical studies; it has statistics to prove the worth of its Flex Belt. 100% of the people who used the Flex Belt reported “positive results,” while 92% of users felt their stomachs were more firmed and toned. What happened to those people who constitute the missing 8%? They had positive results, but their tummies didn’t tighten? What would positive results be if they weren’t taut abs? Did they think the vibrations on their stomachs were just a massage?

Before the Contour can take another swing, the Flex Belt crushes it with a poll from Cosmopolitan Magazine! (Yes, the most trusted name in scientific polls, Cosmo.) Again, 96% of users said they would continue using the Flex Belt, while a mere 81% said they got firmer stomachs in four weeks. Why would those members in the 15th percentile continue using the Flex Belt if they didn’t get firmer stomachs? Why is there even a difference in percentages at all?

The Contour cannot respond to this, and, when it looks like the Contour is just about to collapse, we hear the bell that ends Round 1.

Round 2: People

Blow for blow and shot for shot, both videos have the most attractive people we have seen on any ab machine infomercial. There is not a single person on either video who is overweight or funny looking. The before-and-after photographs do not show much difference in the users of either the Contour or the Flex Belt: the users were a little pudgy before, and they lost some pudge after. The people in grey doing the old crunch already have flat stomachs. Even the two old people are decent looking old people. These two videos are evenly matched in that regard. However, when we go to the testimonials, there is a stark difference.

Ladies and gentlemen, let us be the first to introduce you to Ken Sherman, a man who claims to be 57 with a body so muscular it looks like his muscles have muscles (at least on his stomach: it looks like he has a 12-pack). His delivery of his lines is flawless. If he is not already a professional actor, we hope he gets a real acting job soon because we almost believe him. It is a shame that Ken is followed up by less worthy deliverers of drivel, for he should have been the headliner, the coup de grace.

What does the Flex Belt have to say to Ken Sherman? Well, they have an older looking woman too. She remains anonymous in her red hair and blue sweater, and she cannot stop looking at the teleprompter for her lines. We have a guy who screams “Aaah Yeah!” in an attempt to show excitement over his “workout” with the Flex Belt, but it comes out flat. Before him we have a moron who explains to us that it feels like he’s doing a crunch… but he’s not! We get that already.

The Contour also has a guy who tells us it feels like he’s doing a crunch, but it’s not only him: we also get a woman who narrates her life to us as well. They have tons of testimonials and far more attractive people touting the product. Just in sheer volume and quality, it looks like we have Slendertone’s Flex Belt beat… but again, a belt is saved by the bell.

Round 3: We Have a Winner?

The bell for the third round has sounded. Can you feel the tension? The two titans with their sagging belts are evenly matched. The first round saw the Contour struggling to stay afoot, the second saw the Slendertone slip but remain standing. BMR Institute, the coach for the Flex Belt, has splashed water on the face of its fighter, while Swiss Wave, the coach for the Contour, has removed its pugilist’s mouthguard and force fed it Gatorade. They return to the ring, exhausted, but with tight abs.

Slendertone’s Flex Belt throws the first punch with its claim that the “Flex Belt is the only Abdominal Toning system cleared by the FDA for Toning, Firming and Strengthening the stomach muscles” [emphasis added]. But that’s simply not true! The Contour parries the blow by its claim that it too is approved by the Food and Drug Administration. The fundamental (but ignored) question is: why do these products need to be cleared by the FDA? They are neither food nor drugs, and other ab machines like the AbPony and the Ab Circle Pro do not seem to be concerned that they are not approved by “The Man.” Is it because these contenders use electric shocks to stimulate muscles, so there may be hidden dangers to these machines that they do not explain to you? And, because there is no appropriate government organization to clear these machines, they pass it off to the Food and Drug Administration whose methods and research may or may not be adequate for clearing a machine that is neither a food nor a drug? The fighters retreat to their corners for a breather before facing each other again.

The Flex Belt, trying to gain the upper hand, again attacks with its European-ness. Slendertone and BMRI are based in Ireland, which is technically Europe. Strangely enough, aside from the clinical studies done in Ireland, the Flex Belt is not proud to be Irish because nowhere in the video do they mention that fact (it must have read too much Joyce). The Contour responds with its own European-ness—a well-grounded European-ness too. Hailing from Switzerland, the Contour boasts of the “exact standards” of “Swiss medical professionals” (not doctors?). So the Contour not only parries, but counters by giving the Flex Belt a hard fist in the face.

The Flex Belt tries add-ons: carrying case, adapter, replacement pads, and instruction manuals. All of these things also come with the Contour Core Sculpting System, along with e³. The situation is looking quite grim for our Flex Belt.

The Flex Belt, desperate, throws the last punch with its cheesy lines and mottos. It screams at the Contour: “Hard work pays off eventually, but smart work pays too!” The Contour looks affected by this accusation, not at all realizing that it is next to meaningless. And then, out of nowhere, comes the haymaker from Slendertone: “Charge it, swap it, share it, work it.” In case you do not know what the terms mean, the end of video shows animated, silhouetted examples of each of the items in the list. The woman singing the motto seems to have just gotten off a pornographic movie set (pun intended). No matter how dumb the motto is, the Contour cannot respond. It has none of its own garish lines that have nothing to do with the functioning of the belt. Stunned, it takes one last look to the ceiling of an arena lit up with flash bulbs before it spins and falls to the mat. The referee is counting to ten. The Contour does not get up.

We have a winner! The Flex Belt is the champion of the Dumbest Ab Belt Award! The Contour put up a good fight, but the Flex Belt certainly came out on top. While Ken Sherman was impressive, in the end it was the useless mottos that gave Slendertone the edge. One lesson remains from our little match for you, O reader: when it’s Ireland versus Switzerland, you lose.

From Flab to Ab: The Ab Circle Pro.

Boy do we have a treat for you! The Ab Circle Pro promises that you will go from “Flab to Ab,” so it has to be good. What does it mean to go from “Flab to Ab,” you ask? Well… ummm…

Let’s take a look at the video!



Now this is a popular abdominal machine. It does not take much of a search on Youtube to discover that there is more than one video for this “Pro” machine. There’s a video of the Ab Circle Pro on the beach, a ten minute (possibly full) version of this infomercial, and even an abridged version of the above video that shaves off a minute. What’s more, the Ab Circle Pro has its own spokeswoman, Jennifer Nicole Lee (hereinafter “JNL,” since the video seems to call her that). Watch out, AbPony! We’re dealing with a professional here!

Immediately you can see a huge difference between the amateurish AbPony video and the Ab Circle: we start with black and white chubby people worrying about their “love handles that nobody loves.” The AbPony was shooting for envy with their “sexy” patriotic woman, but the Ab Circle Pro goes for identification; they target their audience instantly and degrade them in the process. The Ab Circle Pro is also a haughty machine. It sets itself apart from equipment that goes forward and back (we can almost feel sorry for the AbPony here) and side to side. We are informed that the Ab Circle Pro can handle the upper, lower, and middle abs—even the obliques! There’s nothing to fear, flabby insomniacs, the Ab Circle Pro is here!

Despite all the professionalism encircling the Ab Circle Pro, we encounter some of the same gimmicks that the AbPony employed: viz., computerized men, ridiculous claims that cannot be proven, beautiful people, and the denigration of an exercise regimen that is free. There are twists, however. Instead of one dull grey computer-rendered man, they have two blue computer-rendered men, running and doing crunches and being morphed into one man using the Ab Circle Pro. And the Ab Circle Pro does not bother with dummy graphs to try and “back” their claims. They are so professional that their word is as good as proven. Three minutes is as good as 100 sit-ups. It’s true because JNL says it is, and she’s too fit to be lying. Of course (and we think we shall always encounter this for all exercise-related infomercials) there is a plethora of beautiful men and women touting the product by smiling and swinging, but, in an effort to show the catholicity of the Ab Circle Pro, they include older men and women as well. No ab machine infomercial would be complete without mocking the good old (free) crunch, and so we have a woman in the video who shows the danger of free exercise attempting to hold her neck and stomach at the same time.

There are places where the Ab Circle Pro goes further than the AbPony. There is an excessive use of before and after shots of people that supposedly used the Ab Circle Pro. None of these photos are incredible per se, but there are so many of them that they start to lose their value. There is also a heavy reliance on interviews with random people about the effectiveness of the Ab Circle Pro. We do not know why infomercials do this—it’s not fooling anyone. Guys touted as doctors and physical therapists are just actors; this is common knowledge. Even JNL can be doubted: has anyone heard of her prior to watching this infomercial?

The funniest things about the infomercial are the things that are not said, and by this we mean the text that litters practically every other screen of the infomercial. The first one is probably the most ridiculous of them all: “Circular Force Technology.” This is presented to us as if there is such a thing as a Circular Force Technology, replete with an exclamation point. What kind of technology is this Circular Force? JNL tells us that the machine is (so) advanced and she mentions the circular motion, but those are mentioned as two separate items. There is no specific reference to what exactly this Circular Force Technology is.

Later on, instead of “Your money back” when the voice-over guy says you will lose ten pounds in two weeks, they write “Guaranteed,” which is only a subtle difference, but one that could cost you $14.95.

The next one, which occurs while our two blue computerized friends are fusing together, says “Cardio & Abs Burns Fat Faster!” The narrator neglects to mention the “faster” part when explaining how cardio and abs burns fat. The comparative “faster” requires something to compare: that is, if the Ab Circle Pro burns fat faster, it must burn fat faster than something (the old crunch? A fire?).

Then there is the wild claim about a friction-free track. We don’t know much about physics, but we thought we learned a long time ago in high school that it was impossible for a surface to be friction-free. Let’s hope those chubby black and white people don’t hold doctorates in physics.

The next unspoken thing is an equation of some sort: “Targets Entire Core = FASTER RESULTS!” This equation does not make sense to us. Maybe it was because we got a C in Calculus, or maybe because those two terms do not equal each other. Take your pick. Strangely enough, the voice-over guy tells at about that time that the user of the Ab Circle Pro is targeting her midsection in a “full circular motion.” I may be wrong here, but I thought a full circle was 360 degrees. Using the Ab Circle Pro, you’re at best making a 240 degree arc. (Again, this would probably sell at 3:00 a.m. when you can hardly read a digital clock let alone remember how many degrees are in a full circle.) Then we have another equation: “Cardio Plus Abs = Faster Results!” Hold on… Wait just a minute here… So does this mean that, by the transitive property, “Targets Entire Core = Cardio Plus Abs”? Or is the “Faster Results!” here different from the previous one because all the letters are not capitalized?

Instead of a dummy graph in the infomercial, we get a dummy video clip. The colors are suddenly altered and the narrator tells us that we are now looking at the results of a thermal imaging test. What’s foolish about this is that the guy running on the treadmill is giving off no heat whatsoever. Did he just start running? Plus, we have no idea what temperatures the colors represent. Green is widely considered a “cool” color, and so if we had to guess, the guy on the treadmill is suffering from hypothermia. And why are they comparing the Ab Circle Pro with just the treadmill? Did they forget that their pro machine combines both the treadmill and the crunch together, or did they discover that doing a crunch would produce the same results in the thermal imaging test?

After filler interviews and before-and-afters, we get to the secret of the Ab Circle Pro: it has a pin! That pin can be removed! And when you remove the pin, you get a bun and thigh workout! Huzzah!

Now as you, O reader, can imagine, we have neglected how ridiculous working out on this machine looks. This, we assure you, was done intentionally because of the grenade-like secret of the Ab Circle Pro. If you thought the AbPony was sexually suggestive, the Ab Circle Pro is certainly pornographic. If you do not believe us, then why do they only show this portion for a few seconds before calming you down with a scene of a bikini clad woman’s derriere as she walks into the ocean? Why do they only bring up the bun and thigh workout only one other time before the end of the video? It’s racy I tells ya. That’s why.

The machine obviously cannot stand on its own like the AbPony. JNL’s workout and eating guide comes free with your purchase, along with some kind of circular computer with numbers that flash on it randomly. These items are supposed to entice, but they only do so because you hear “absolutely free” after they are mentioned. You do not think about why you should trust JNL. Is she a renowned nutritionist of some sort? You do not wonder whether you need a circular computer with random flashing numbers. The word “free” erases these doubts and bolsters the sale of a machine that makes you look like a performing seal when you use it.

Really, that’s what it boils down to with the Ab Circle Pro: the ridiculousness of the motion, the ridiculousness of the claims. The Ab Circle Pro is not much different than the AbPony because both charge you money to get off the floor and do a crunch. They mask the foolishness of it all by beautiful bodies and a sense of inferiority that you should feel (JNL’s “system” is called “Lose Your Love Handles”—an order which implies a moral statement [love handles should be lost]). And the thing is, at three in the morning, you may just believe them.

Get On & Ride! The AbPony

Welcome to the premiere of Abominable Abdominals. Yes, you found it (congratulations?): the only blog (last time we checked…which was never) dedicated to abdominal machine infomercials (at least for now). If you must ask why, then you clearly are not as bored as you thought you were.

For the inauguration of this much-needed social critique, we present to you, in all its near-pornographic glory: The AbPony.




Never mind that this “pony” is nothing more than a glorified rocking chair, or that they provide no real evidence that rocking back and forth will tone your abdominal muscles, or even that the use of dummy graphs and “sexy” people are all just marketing gimmicks meant to trick the untrained observer into believing that this piece of equipment will actually help. Never mind all of that.

Well, actually do mind all of that—those things will be all this post is about.

We first start off with “Wow!” which is what you’re all probably thinking anyway: a girl walking up to the pool in someone’s backyard is pretty spectacular. She has an okay body and face, but why does she need the arm bands? She looks like a portion of the American flag. For the second blonde girl, the cameraman was clearly more interested in the camel toe than the abs. Why would these women show off their stomachs in their grandmothers’ underwear? The narrator is talking about abs, but you, O viewer, not knowing what this is about exactly (although you must be fairly certain that it’s for an exercise machine of some sort since it’s three in the morning and you’ve run out of scotch) are not prepared for the real wow: that which can only be called “The AbPony.”

But wait! The narrator does not get to that yet. Still interested? We know we are.

Apparently rocking back and forth for five minutes a day three times a week is all you need to have a stomach you can join a jug band with. The really weird part before the really really weird part is that they circle and cross out (a la many a “no smoking” sign [except these just look like giant, tilted e’s]) the “No more” in “No more lying on the floor” and “No more yanking on your neck” etc. This creates a double negative, so does that mean there is more lying on the floor? The facial expression of the guy cheating with his arms and legs (grammatically and linguistically ambiguous) is priceless, as if he forced an expression to show that cheating on a crunch is more difficult than the crunch itself. If it’s more difficult, is it really cheating? Besides, one must keep one’s cheating muscles toned as well—just in case.

But his expression is all we are left with before we get to the main course: The AbPony! Of course—if you’re anything like we are—you’re already smirking because of the goateed crunch-faker's expression. So the “Wow!” is lost. Not only that, but also those quasi-beautiful bathing beauties and male torsos that were carved by Michelangelo are forgotten because of the cheater—talk about anti-climactic.

The disappointment continues when you see the “pony” that you must “ride”. It doesn’t look the least bit like a pony by any account. By a stretch of the imagination one could conceive an ox or other—how do I say “bovine like” without the “like”?—cowish—some cowish creature. What it looked like to us prima facie was a misshapen, useless bicycle. That is really what it is, but somehow they believe it looks like a pony. They are so convinced of this that we are told that all we do is “get on and ride!” However, here riding can only be a sexual reference: any other type of riding usually denotes an inert torso.

It looks easy to use, I’ll give the AbPony that much, but why the graphic with the ghostman being levitated off the floor in the middle of his workout to be placed on a piece of playground equipment? And did you hear what the narrator just said? “The AbPony takes the most effective exercise ever for your stomach, the old ab crunch, up off the floor into a comfortable seated position; immediately you are locked into the perfect muscle-tightening, tummy-toning crunch every time…” (emphasis added [for {ironic} dramatic effect]). If both propositions are true, then there is hardly a difference between crunches and riding the AbPony. If the old ab crunch is so good, why even bother with the AbPony? You know the old saying, if it ain’t broke… (don’t try to late-night peddle a sexually-suggestive equine contraption). But the narrator did stress the negatives of the old ab crunch: lying on the floor, yanking the neck, cheating. I guess the most effective exercise ever for your stomach is dangerous for your back, neck, and morality.

The next thing that we absolutely hate about all infomercials (and even some commercials) is the presentation of dummy graphs. The AbPony is exemplary in this aspect. The claim: The AbPony is 100% more effective than regular crunches (despite the fact the narrator just told us that the old ab crunch was the most effective exercise ever for your stomach). The proof? A bar graph made to order, blue bars labeled “AB CRUNCH” in plain white (we’re supposed to believe this is boring) and the gimmicky red and blue “AbPony” (they should have made the bars for the graph a different color, it’s hard to see the “Pony” part) galloping to the top—only our old friend the ab crunch can’t quite make it. And what does it mean that crunches done on the AbPony are 100% more effective? Does that mean it takes only half as many crunches to get washboard abs? Really? How do you measure that? In the infomercial, they show the same guy doing both versions of the crunch, but if he already got washboard abs with the AbPony, how could he measure the effectiveness of the old ab crunch? If they used two different people, how do you know it’s the effectiveness of the equipment and not just different body chemistry? Who conducted this “independent test” in the AbPony laboratory?

Just when the questions start rolling off your tongue and you find these claims to be literally incredible, they bust out the big guns. A beautiful woman of indiscriminate race (maybe all races: it does say it’s “easy enough for everyone”) is rocking back and forth with a completely Zen expression. If she was the first woman we saw in this infomercial, the initial “Wow” might have been appropriate. There’s nothing like sex appeal to forget a bunch of weak arguments, non sequiturs, and contradictions (we’re looking at you, Sarah Palin… ba-ZING!). It’s nice how the makers of the infomercial place “everyone” between the heights of 5’2” and 6’4”. It also said it could hold up to 300 pounds, so some people that may really need the AbPony would not be able to use it. Can we say “ab-solutely ridiculous”? (We can and will… and just did).

Fortunately for us, the internet saw fit to cut this infomercial off before it really got out of hand.

So there you have it: the inaugural post of Abominable Abdominals. We hope you enjoyed our first post, and expect other bad infomercials to come. If you would like to send us a ridiculous exercise-related infomercial (preferably about the abdominals), we would appreciate it. Who knows? You may even find the infomercial you hate the most being derided by someone like you: a person who has too much time on their hands.