Monday, December 21, 2009
The Not So Airtight Air Climber
So the quality isn’t that great, but at least we get the best of both worlds: you don’t have to click a link and we can still be as lazy as ever. It works out. You must have by now noticed that the above video is not the complete video, but we imagined that the complete one would not greatly add anything to this post. We seem to have enough material with the abridged version.
To start things off, we must ask: what exactly is a “Limited Lifetime Warrantee”? Does this mean that the lifetime (either of the machine or you [or both?]) is limited, and they can only warrant that limited life? We are not quite sure why they have a limited lifetime warrantee and why they would proudly announce that in their commercial.
It’s not just the legal mumbo-jumbo that gets us; the pun “airtight” (used only once in the above video) is poorly constructed as well. What exactly does it mean to have “airtight abs”? We suppose it means air cannot penetrate your abs, thereby sealing in the freshness of your intestines. The funny thing is, in order for your muscles to function, you would need air to circulate in them. That is essentially what blood does in your body… and they think they can just rattle off “airtight abs” and we would just nod our heads in agreement.
We also have a ridiculous acronym which the marketing department for the Air Climber has decided we should just accept without a word in protest: APT. What is Air Power Technology? This acronym is by far the worst we have encountered to date. First of all, “apt” is actually a word, so that could be confusing in certain circumstances. Second of all, they are trying to pass off centuries-old technology as something modern and up-to-date simply by hiding the words behind their initial letters. People have been using bellows to stoke fires since the advent of the chimney, and now they’re trying to tell us that the Air Climber is state-of-the-art equipment? We don’t buy it.
Really, though, it’s not just the inept APT and vague phraseology that are the heart of what is wrong with the Air Climber, although they are symptomatic of the poor marketing endemic to all ab machines: It is the demographic itself. If you look closely at the above video, there is an average ratio of four women to every man. Clearly they are feeding off the presumed fact that women are insecure about their bodies, and if they show enough women with lean stomachs (who probably didn’t use the Air Climber to get the bodies they have now), then they will sell more bicycle pumps to the unwitting public. This is not just a problem with the Air Climber, it is characteristic of all ab machine infomercials. They generally market to women by showing a predominant number of women in their advertisements, and, wherever possible, have women spokeswomen spouting out inanities in hopes of raking in profits on pieces of plastic filled with—in this case—hot air. (Of course, Sean T. and T. Little are exceptions here.) What makes this all the more horrendous is that the stupid puns, inaccurate acronyms, fake charts and graphs, and monotonous testimonials belie the fact that the creators of the Air Climber and other ab machines think women are generally stupid enough to fall for flimsy marketing gimmicks and preposterous lies. They assume that people will gloss over glaring inconsistencies and fine print because their desire for an unattainable, perfect body will conquer the modicum of rationality that they possess and goad them into purchasing these things they don’t need. To ensure their audience is thoughtless, they pad their commercials with how fun the machine is, how technological it is, how easy it is to use, and how certain the results are when none of those things can be proven to be any better than the multitude of free workouts one can do. Even the name of the machine itself is inaccurate: the Air Climber? You’re staying in place for crying out loud! Are we supposed to actually believe this tripe?
Phew! Sorry about that, O Reader. That was a rare impassioned moment you were privy to. Our point, however, still stands. This machine is stupid and you should not get it.
Not wanting to end on a depressing note, we do have to give the Air Climber kudos in one aspect of their commercial: their Digital Training Computer. They actually show their “computer” on screen (and, with the beauty of YouTube, you can pause and take a good look at it at 2:11) and you can see clearly that it is just a counter with a timer. The nice big red button that looks like it could have launched an entire nuclear arsenal in a '50s movie is a good touch. We are certain “MODE,” “RPMS,” and “SCAN” are just random letters they put together because they ordered too much white paint. Thanks, Air Climber.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Coasting Coast to Coast: the Ab Coaster
We do not know if we can attribute this to our blog’s existence, but it seems that, since we started the Abpocalypse, there has been a lack of official ab machine videos on YouTube. We are far too lazy and unskilled in technology to put any effort into downloading the videos from the various websites and re-posting them here for your convenience like some other blogs do, even though we are well aware that no one clicks on links. Here is the link to the Ab Coaster website anyway. C’est la vie.
Our first question is: how is the Ab Coaster any different from the Ab Flyer? We submit that, if there are any differences between the two machines, the differences are negligible, like the difference between Coca-Cola and Pepsi. Certainly the Ab Coaster looks more expensive because it has tracks, padding, and some extra pieces of metal (or plastic), but really the exercise and design are similar. The Ab Coaster is just as cradle-like in appearance as the Ab Flyer, and what was deemed a patented “Reverse Arc Motion” in one has been re-termed “Natural Arc Motion” in another (which, admittedly, has a nice a ring to it). Aside from nominal and aesthetic differences, these two machines are the same.
Our second question: which one came first? This question is important because then it would be easier to swallow the bald assertions the narrator spews from the outset of the video. Things like “The Ab Coaster is the revolutionary fitness product that is changing the way and the direction you’ll work your abs,” will be far more believable if there wasn’t a machine that works your abs in the same way and direction, wouldn’t it? The narrator also says, “Only the Ab Coaster has the revolutionary biometric design that lets you coast your way to incredible abs.” This sentence occurs right after the previous quoted sentence, so twice in a row do we get the word “revolutionary.” How could this machine be revolutionary when there is another machine—and only one other machine—out there like it? Plus, the Ab Coaster, as far as we know, isn’t changing the way all ab machines function. Sean T.’s dance work out still exists, and the Hawaii Chair is still rotating uncontrollably along. Unless the definition of the word “revolutionary” (and its cognates) has changed, we see nothing revolutionary about the Ab Coaster.
Speaking of definitions, we must mention something about the use of the word “biometric.” According to dictionary.com, “biometrics” is either the “statistical study of biological phenomena” or “[t]he measurement of physical characteristics, such as fingerprints, DNA, or retinal patterns, for use in verifying the identity of individuals.” With that definition (and please note that we excluded “biostatistics” and “biometry” from our definition as it just wouldn’t make any sense whatsoever that the design of the Ab Coaster could measure the duration of your life), we fail to see how the Ab Coaster’s design is biometric. The Ab Coaster—at least according to the video (which you cannot rewind or fast forward, which is incredibly annoying when you’re trying to comment on it)—cannot help you study biological phenomena (it does not tell you how you are sculpting your abs), nor can its design identify you as opposed to your spouse, children, or pet hamster. They clearly did not look up the word biometric before inserting it into the script, possibly thinking that the prefix “bio” followed by any suffix will be impressive enough to the average fat person. And, to their credit, it very well might be impressive to the laity, but that is why we’re here: to expose stupid, nonsensical marketing gimmicks for what they are.
Our third and final question is: why do ab machine makers think they can peddle their pieces of junk by telling everyone that working out on their machine is easy? The Ab Coaster likes to use the pun (and it is duly noted that they only used the pun twice in the video, following our rules) “coasting.” We will coast our way to great abs, promises the video. No need to floor the accelerator in getting a great body, just coast your way to health, happiness, and beauty (that first woman they interview says she feels “attractive” after using the Ab Coaster, but—in all honesty—that machine did nothing for her face) effortlessly. We are here to tell you that if you really want a great looking body, you’re going to have to work for it, whether you purchase the Ab Coaster or not. Unfortunately, sometimes doing all you can is not enough to get that perfect body. That doesn’t mean stop trying; it just means stop worrying. These, O Reader, are truths you must accept, or you will drain all of your time, energy, and money and still be unhappy (no matter which coast you live on).
Our first question is: how is the Ab Coaster any different from the Ab Flyer? We submit that, if there are any differences between the two machines, the differences are negligible, like the difference between Coca-Cola and Pepsi. Certainly the Ab Coaster looks more expensive because it has tracks, padding, and some extra pieces of metal (or plastic), but really the exercise and design are similar. The Ab Coaster is just as cradle-like in appearance as the Ab Flyer, and what was deemed a patented “Reverse Arc Motion” in one has been re-termed “Natural Arc Motion” in another (which, admittedly, has a nice a ring to it). Aside from nominal and aesthetic differences, these two machines are the same.
Our second question: which one came first? This question is important because then it would be easier to swallow the bald assertions the narrator spews from the outset of the video. Things like “The Ab Coaster is the revolutionary fitness product that is changing the way and the direction you’ll work your abs,” will be far more believable if there wasn’t a machine that works your abs in the same way and direction, wouldn’t it? The narrator also says, “Only the Ab Coaster has the revolutionary biometric design that lets you coast your way to incredible abs.” This sentence occurs right after the previous quoted sentence, so twice in a row do we get the word “revolutionary.” How could this machine be revolutionary when there is another machine—and only one other machine—out there like it? Plus, the Ab Coaster, as far as we know, isn’t changing the way all ab machines function. Sean T.’s dance work out still exists, and the Hawaii Chair is still rotating uncontrollably along. Unless the definition of the word “revolutionary” (and its cognates) has changed, we see nothing revolutionary about the Ab Coaster.
Speaking of definitions, we must mention something about the use of the word “biometric.” According to dictionary.com, “biometrics” is either the “statistical study of biological phenomena” or “[t]he measurement of physical characteristics, such as fingerprints, DNA, or retinal patterns, for use in verifying the identity of individuals.” With that definition (and please note that we excluded “biostatistics” and “biometry” from our definition as it just wouldn’t make any sense whatsoever that the design of the Ab Coaster could measure the duration of your life), we fail to see how the Ab Coaster’s design is biometric. The Ab Coaster—at least according to the video (which you cannot rewind or fast forward, which is incredibly annoying when you’re trying to comment on it)—cannot help you study biological phenomena (it does not tell you how you are sculpting your abs), nor can its design identify you as opposed to your spouse, children, or pet hamster. They clearly did not look up the word biometric before inserting it into the script, possibly thinking that the prefix “bio” followed by any suffix will be impressive enough to the average fat person. And, to their credit, it very well might be impressive to the laity, but that is why we’re here: to expose stupid, nonsensical marketing gimmicks for what they are.
Our third and final question is: why do ab machine makers think they can peddle their pieces of junk by telling everyone that working out on their machine is easy? The Ab Coaster likes to use the pun (and it is duly noted that they only used the pun twice in the video, following our rules) “coasting.” We will coast our way to great abs, promises the video. No need to floor the accelerator in getting a great body, just coast your way to health, happiness, and beauty (that first woman they interview says she feels “attractive” after using the Ab Coaster, but—in all honesty—that machine did nothing for her face) effortlessly. We are here to tell you that if you really want a great looking body, you’re going to have to work for it, whether you purchase the Ab Coaster or not. Unfortunately, sometimes doing all you can is not enough to get that perfect body. That doesn’t mean stop trying; it just means stop worrying. These, O Reader, are truths you must accept, or you will drain all of your time, energy, and money and still be unhappy (no matter which coast you live on).
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