From Flab to Ab: The Ab Circle Pro.

Boy do we have a treat for you! The Ab Circle Pro promises that you will go from “Flab to Ab,” so it has to be good. What does it mean to go from “Flab to Ab,” you ask? Well… ummm…

Let’s take a look at the video!



Now this is a popular abdominal machine. It does not take much of a search on Youtube to discover that there is more than one video for this “Pro” machine. There’s a video of the Ab Circle Pro on the beach, a ten minute (possibly full) version of this infomercial, and even an abridged version of the above video that shaves off a minute. What’s more, the Ab Circle Pro has its own spokeswoman, Jennifer Nicole Lee (hereinafter “JNL,” since the video seems to call her that). Watch out, AbPony! We’re dealing with a professional here!

Immediately you can see a huge difference between the amateurish AbPony video and the Ab Circle: we start with black and white chubby people worrying about their “love handles that nobody loves.” The AbPony was shooting for envy with their “sexy” patriotic woman, but the Ab Circle Pro goes for identification; they target their audience instantly and degrade them in the process. The Ab Circle Pro is also a haughty machine. It sets itself apart from equipment that goes forward and back (we can almost feel sorry for the AbPony here) and side to side. We are informed that the Ab Circle Pro can handle the upper, lower, and middle abs—even the obliques! There’s nothing to fear, flabby insomniacs, the Ab Circle Pro is here!

Despite all the professionalism encircling the Ab Circle Pro, we encounter some of the same gimmicks that the AbPony employed: viz., computerized men, ridiculous claims that cannot be proven, beautiful people, and the denigration of an exercise regimen that is free. There are twists, however. Instead of one dull grey computer-rendered man, they have two blue computer-rendered men, running and doing crunches and being morphed into one man using the Ab Circle Pro. And the Ab Circle Pro does not bother with dummy graphs to try and “back” their claims. They are so professional that their word is as good as proven. Three minutes is as good as 100 sit-ups. It’s true because JNL says it is, and she’s too fit to be lying. Of course (and we think we shall always encounter this for all exercise-related infomercials) there is a plethora of beautiful men and women touting the product by smiling and swinging, but, in an effort to show the catholicity of the Ab Circle Pro, they include older men and women as well. No ab machine infomercial would be complete without mocking the good old (free) crunch, and so we have a woman in the video who shows the danger of free exercise attempting to hold her neck and stomach at the same time.

There are places where the Ab Circle Pro goes further than the AbPony. There is an excessive use of before and after shots of people that supposedly used the Ab Circle Pro. None of these photos are incredible per se, but there are so many of them that they start to lose their value. There is also a heavy reliance on interviews with random people about the effectiveness of the Ab Circle Pro. We do not know why infomercials do this—it’s not fooling anyone. Guys touted as doctors and physical therapists are just actors; this is common knowledge. Even JNL can be doubted: has anyone heard of her prior to watching this infomercial?

The funniest things about the infomercial are the things that are not said, and by this we mean the text that litters practically every other screen of the infomercial. The first one is probably the most ridiculous of them all: “Circular Force Technology.” This is presented to us as if there is such a thing as a Circular Force Technology, replete with an exclamation point. What kind of technology is this Circular Force? JNL tells us that the machine is (so) advanced and she mentions the circular motion, but those are mentioned as two separate items. There is no specific reference to what exactly this Circular Force Technology is.

Later on, instead of “Your money back” when the voice-over guy says you will lose ten pounds in two weeks, they write “Guaranteed,” which is only a subtle difference, but one that could cost you $14.95.

The next one, which occurs while our two blue computerized friends are fusing together, says “Cardio & Abs Burns Fat Faster!” The narrator neglects to mention the “faster” part when explaining how cardio and abs burns fat. The comparative “faster” requires something to compare: that is, if the Ab Circle Pro burns fat faster, it must burn fat faster than something (the old crunch? A fire?).

Then there is the wild claim about a friction-free track. We don’t know much about physics, but we thought we learned a long time ago in high school that it was impossible for a surface to be friction-free. Let’s hope those chubby black and white people don’t hold doctorates in physics.

The next unspoken thing is an equation of some sort: “Targets Entire Core = FASTER RESULTS!” This equation does not make sense to us. Maybe it was because we got a C in Calculus, or maybe because those two terms do not equal each other. Take your pick. Strangely enough, the voice-over guy tells at about that time that the user of the Ab Circle Pro is targeting her midsection in a “full circular motion.” I may be wrong here, but I thought a full circle was 360 degrees. Using the Ab Circle Pro, you’re at best making a 240 degree arc. (Again, this would probably sell at 3:00 a.m. when you can hardly read a digital clock let alone remember how many degrees are in a full circle.) Then we have another equation: “Cardio Plus Abs = Faster Results!” Hold on… Wait just a minute here… So does this mean that, by the transitive property, “Targets Entire Core = Cardio Plus Abs”? Or is the “Faster Results!” here different from the previous one because all the letters are not capitalized?

Instead of a dummy graph in the infomercial, we get a dummy video clip. The colors are suddenly altered and the narrator tells us that we are now looking at the results of a thermal imaging test. What’s foolish about this is that the guy running on the treadmill is giving off no heat whatsoever. Did he just start running? Plus, we have no idea what temperatures the colors represent. Green is widely considered a “cool” color, and so if we had to guess, the guy on the treadmill is suffering from hypothermia. And why are they comparing the Ab Circle Pro with just the treadmill? Did they forget that their pro machine combines both the treadmill and the crunch together, or did they discover that doing a crunch would produce the same results in the thermal imaging test?

After filler interviews and before-and-afters, we get to the secret of the Ab Circle Pro: it has a pin! That pin can be removed! And when you remove the pin, you get a bun and thigh workout! Huzzah!

Now as you, O reader, can imagine, we have neglected how ridiculous working out on this machine looks. This, we assure you, was done intentionally because of the grenade-like secret of the Ab Circle Pro. If you thought the AbPony was sexually suggestive, the Ab Circle Pro is certainly pornographic. If you do not believe us, then why do they only show this portion for a few seconds before calming you down with a scene of a bikini clad woman’s derriere as she walks into the ocean? Why do they only bring up the bun and thigh workout only one other time before the end of the video? It’s racy I tells ya. That’s why.

The machine obviously cannot stand on its own like the AbPony. JNL’s workout and eating guide comes free with your purchase, along with some kind of circular computer with numbers that flash on it randomly. These items are supposed to entice, but they only do so because you hear “absolutely free” after they are mentioned. You do not think about why you should trust JNL. Is she a renowned nutritionist of some sort? You do not wonder whether you need a circular computer with random flashing numbers. The word “free” erases these doubts and bolsters the sale of a machine that makes you look like a performing seal when you use it.

Really, that’s what it boils down to with the Ab Circle Pro: the ridiculousness of the motion, the ridiculousness of the claims. The Ab Circle Pro is not much different than the AbPony because both charge you money to get off the floor and do a crunch. They mask the foolishness of it all by beautiful bodies and a sense of inferiority that you should feel (JNL’s “system” is called “Lose Your Love Handles”—an order which implies a moral statement [love handles should be lost]). And the thing is, at three in the morning, you may just believe them.