We do not know if we can attribute this to our blog’s existence, but it seems that, since we started the Abpocalypse, there has been a lack of official ab machine videos on YouTube. We are far too lazy and unskilled in technology to put any effort into downloading the videos from the various websites and re-posting them here for your convenience like some other blogs do, even though we are well aware that no one clicks on links. Here is the link to the Ab Coaster website anyway. C’est la vie.
Our first question is: how is the Ab Coaster any different from the Ab Flyer? We submit that, if there are any differences between the two machines, the differences are negligible, like the difference between Coca-Cola and Pepsi. Certainly the Ab Coaster looks more expensive because it has tracks, padding, and some extra pieces of metal (or plastic), but really the exercise and design are similar. The Ab Coaster is just as cradle-like in appearance as the Ab Flyer, and what was deemed a patented “Reverse Arc Motion” in one has been re-termed “Natural Arc Motion” in another (which, admittedly, has a nice a ring to it). Aside from nominal and aesthetic differences, these two machines are the same.
Our second question: which one came first? This question is important because then it would be easier to swallow the bald assertions the narrator spews from the outset of the video. Things like “The Ab Coaster is the revolutionary fitness product that is changing the way and the direction you’ll work your abs,” will be far more believable if there wasn’t a machine that works your abs in the same way and direction, wouldn’t it? The narrator also says, “Only the Ab Coaster has the revolutionary biometric design that lets you coast your way to incredible abs.” This sentence occurs right after the previous quoted sentence, so twice in a row do we get the word “revolutionary.” How could this machine be revolutionary when there is another machine—and only one other machine—out there like it? Plus, the Ab Coaster, as far as we know, isn’t changing the way all ab machines function. Sean T.’s dance work out still exists, and the Hawaii Chair is still rotating uncontrollably along. Unless the definition of the word “revolutionary” (and its cognates) has changed, we see nothing revolutionary about the Ab Coaster.
Speaking of definitions, we must mention something about the use of the word “biometric.” According to dictionary.com, “biometrics” is either the “statistical study of biological phenomena” or “[t]he measurement of physical characteristics, such as fingerprints, DNA, or retinal patterns, for use in verifying the identity of individuals.” With that definition (and please note that we excluded “biostatistics” and “biometry” from our definition as it just wouldn’t make any sense whatsoever that the design of the Ab Coaster could measure the duration of your life), we fail to see how the Ab Coaster’s design is biometric. The Ab Coaster—at least according to the video (which you cannot rewind or fast forward, which is incredibly annoying when you’re trying to comment on it)—cannot help you study biological phenomena (it does not tell you how you are sculpting your abs), nor can its design identify you as opposed to your spouse, children, or pet hamster. They clearly did not look up the word biometric before inserting it into the script, possibly thinking that the prefix “bio” followed by any suffix will be impressive enough to the average fat person. And, to their credit, it very well might be impressive to the laity, but that is why we’re here: to expose stupid, nonsensical marketing gimmicks for what they are.
Our third and final question is: why do ab machine makers think they can peddle their pieces of junk by telling everyone that working out on their machine is easy? The Ab Coaster likes to use the pun (and it is duly noted that they only used the pun twice in the video, following our rules) “coasting.” We will coast our way to great abs, promises the video. No need to floor the accelerator in getting a great body, just coast your way to health, happiness, and beauty (that first woman they interview says she feels “attractive” after using the Ab Coaster, but—in all honesty—that machine did nothing for her face) effortlessly. We are here to tell you that if you really want a great looking body, you’re going to have to work for it, whether you purchase the Ab Coaster or not. Unfortunately, sometimes doing all you can is not enough to get that perfect body. That doesn’t mean stop trying; it just means stop worrying. These, O Reader, are truths you must accept, or you will drain all of your time, energy, and money and still be unhappy (no matter which coast you live on).
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